Jokes

I got these in an email from my BC friends * These made me chuckle. If you are blonde, old or dead, I am not trying to offend you.

At Your Funeral... Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives."
Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!

Passing Gas... A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. When I pass gas I never smell and I am always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing because I don't smell and I am silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now when I pass gas ...although I'm still silent... I stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

* Overweight... A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping."

Knitting... A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Speeding Ticket... A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

*The Vacuum... A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"'"